Not sure where this post will go - I just miss my Dad

It's funny how technology can facilitate communication. I came to the blog to remember . . . to remember the journey we took together as L faced cancer . . . remember the optimism that we first approached the disease with . . . remember his words, his strength, his courage. . . remember how we came together in such remarkable ways. . . remember more than those last heart-breaking, marvelous and life-altering last weeks with him. Yet as I looked through the page, I found my sister's words. Words she could never say to me . . . words I'm not sure I could stay on the phone to hear. . . . words I wish I could say to her or to my mom and yet have such a hard time coming through . . . easier to argue. . . easier to say little . . . easier to talk about the weather. Then the weather gets me thinking about him, everything lately makes me think about him. Taxes, weather, March, my new work, Ohio, voices on the radio, happy little waves, his truck, the list goes on and on. I miss him so much, his leaving has broken the foundation in my life, nothing is the same. I wish I could tell him I changed careers, I wish he could help me understand how my taxes are different now that I'm married, I wish he could know that I'm married and that he would have been there when we did it, I wish I could call him up just for a second - just hear his wonderful voice, let him know how critical and important he is to me. I wish he could know how much Mom misses him and needs him. How much we all need him. His birthday would have been this week - 62 - so young, so much ahead, so cosmically not right that he is not here to have cherry cream cheese pie or spice cake. I don't know how to deal - how to make sense of any of it - time isn't helping, I move further away from God b/c I can't fit what happened to my dad into my old sense/ideas of God. I know this would break his heart and I want to struggle through to some deeper understanding and faith. But at the end of the day, I'm just a daughter wanting to call up my dad and hear him say I love you in that way that dads do. Just a daughter wanting to buy a birthday card for her dad and make him a pie on Thursday. . . . No more words, just tears for now.