Sunday, January 13, 2013
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Not sure where this post will go - I just miss my Dad
It's funny how technology can facilitate communication. I came to the blog to remember . . . to remember the journey we took together as L faced cancer . . . remember the optimism that we first approached the disease with . . . remember his words, his strength, his courage. . . remember how we came together in such remarkable ways. . . remember more than those last heart-breaking, marvelous and life-altering last weeks with him. Yet as I looked through the page, I found my sister's words. Words she could never say to me . . . words I'm not sure I could stay on the phone to hear. . . . words I wish I could say to her or to my mom and yet have such a hard time coming through . . . easier to argue. . . easier to say little . . . easier to talk about the weather. Then the weather gets me thinking about him, everything lately makes me think about him. Taxes, weather, March, my new work, Ohio, voices on the radio, happy little waves, his truck, the list goes on and on. I miss him so much, his leaving has broken the foundation in my life, nothing is the same. I wish I could tell him I changed careers, I wish he could help me understand how my taxes are different now that I'm married, I wish he could know that I'm married and that he would have been there when we did it, I wish I could call him up just for a second - just hear his wonderful voice, let him know how critical and important he is to me. I wish he could know how much Mom misses him and needs him. How much we all need him. His birthday would have been this week - 62 - so young, so much ahead, so cosmically not right that he is not here to have cherry cream cheese pie or spice cake. I don't know how to deal - how to make sense of any of it - time isn't helping, I move further away from God b/c I can't fit what happened to my dad into my old sense/ideas of God. I know this would break his heart and I want to struggle through to some deeper understanding and faith. But at the end of the day, I'm just a daughter wanting to call up my dad and hear him say I love you in that way that dads do. Just a daughter wanting to buy a birthday card for her dad and make him a pie on Thursday. . . . No more words, just tears for now.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Backwards
I should have posted this first but I also wanted to share this story from the last week of my dad's life that I wrote to family and friends on January 12. L went to be with the Lord on Saturday, January 15, 2011 around 6:45am.
--
On Saturday, we took my dad to the Homeowner's Association meeting because they were voting for a new board and he wanted to be a part of that. It was kind of an event getting him out of the house but my sister's fiancé was here so he helped us a lot with lifting and moving my dad. That was about all he had energy for on Saturday and he spend most of the rest of the day in bed. He got up for a late breakfast Sunday and then spent the rest of the day in bed. This weekend was really a gift as he got to see his friends in the neighborhood all at once and say goodbye to them.
Monday he woke up slightly confused and he got progressively more so throughout the day... He began to quickly struggle more and more to find the words he wanted to say and as his confusion grew he became more and more agitated and frustrated. His pain also increased dramatically on Monday. We had to begin to add in liquid morphine to handle his pain (this is fast acting and added to his extended release morphine that he takes twice a day).
By Monday night, he was less and less responsive to us when we talked to him and his responses became nonsensical at times. His leg pain, which had been his main battle, started to become secondary to pain in his stomach and his urgent need to urinate frequently. I won't go into great detail here but it became clear that his kidneys are shutting down.
Yesterday was the first day that he stayed in bed all day but the kidney issue caused extreme pain which woke him up regularly. Yesterday was also the first full day that we really weren't able to communicate with him. He was mildly responsive to questions and instructions with a very very limited amount of talking most of which was nearly impossible to understand. Yesterday he still was able to say each of our names at some point in the day... Mainly when struggling with the pain surrounding urination.
Today, the hospice nurse brought a catheter which has made a WORLD of difference. We also got a hospital bed for him today. He seems much more comfortable and he's essentially been asleep all day... I don't know the official terminology but I heard my mom tell someone on the phone today that he is semi-comatose. He's only had a couple of ounces of water today and no food. Most of the day he would respond by opening his eyes when you spoke to him but as of this evening, he's not doing that any longer. We've been keeping music playing for him and we talk to him and let him know that he's loved and not alone.
My aunt who was here with us a week or so ago came back this morning. She is my mom's sister and it's a huge help to my mom and to my sister and I for her to be here.
Unfortunately, when it rains it floods, however, because my aunt found out shortly after I picked her up from the airport that her husband went to the hospital for tightness in his chest and was going to be admitted for observation overnight. Then, this afternoon, my sister found out that her fiancé had his mom drive him to the hospital for the same thing and that he would also be staying overnight for observation.
So.... It's been tough and not getting much easier but hopefully, my dad will get to end his struggle soon and find some much needed rest and peace. It is going to hard to lose him but i believe there is a better life for him than the one he has now. After that, we can get the other guys back in shape. (It's a good thing I'm not seeing anyone... He'd be doomed right about now!!). :)
That was extra long... Way longer than I intended. Thanks for reading it and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I think of you all often.
Much love,
A.
--
On Saturday, we took my dad to the Homeowner's Association meeting because they were voting for a new board and he wanted to be a part of that. It was kind of an event getting him out of the house but my sister's fiancé was here so he helped us a lot with lifting and moving my dad. That was about all he had energy for on Saturday and he spend most of the rest of the day in bed. He got up for a late breakfast Sunday and then spent the rest of the day in bed. This weekend was really a gift as he got to see his friends in the neighborhood all at once and say goodbye to them.
Monday he woke up slightly confused and he got progressively more so throughout the day... He began to quickly struggle more and more to find the words he wanted to say and as his confusion grew he became more and more agitated and frustrated. His pain also increased dramatically on Monday. We had to begin to add in liquid morphine to handle his pain (this is fast acting and added to his extended release morphine that he takes twice a day).
By Monday night, he was less and less responsive to us when we talked to him and his responses became nonsensical at times. His leg pain, which had been his main battle, started to become secondary to pain in his stomach and his urgent need to urinate frequently. I won't go into great detail here but it became clear that his kidneys are shutting down.
Yesterday was the first day that he stayed in bed all day but the kidney issue caused extreme pain which woke him up regularly. Yesterday was also the first full day that we really weren't able to communicate with him. He was mildly responsive to questions and instructions with a very very limited amount of talking most of which was nearly impossible to understand. Yesterday he still was able to say each of our names at some point in the day... Mainly when struggling with the pain surrounding urination.
Today, the hospice nurse brought a catheter which has made a WORLD of difference. We also got a hospital bed for him today. He seems much more comfortable and he's essentially been asleep all day... I don't know the official terminology but I heard my mom tell someone on the phone today that he is semi-comatose. He's only had a couple of ounces of water today and no food. Most of the day he would respond by opening his eyes when you spoke to him but as of this evening, he's not doing that any longer. We've been keeping music playing for him and we talk to him and let him know that he's loved and not alone.
My aunt who was here with us a week or so ago came back this morning. She is my mom's sister and it's a huge help to my mom and to my sister and I for her to be here.
Unfortunately, when it rains it floods, however, because my aunt found out shortly after I picked her up from the airport that her husband went to the hospital for tightness in his chest and was going to be admitted for observation overnight. Then, this afternoon, my sister found out that her fiancé had his mom drive him to the hospital for the same thing and that he would also be staying overnight for observation.
So.... It's been tough and not getting much easier but hopefully, my dad will get to end his struggle soon and find some much needed rest and peace. It is going to hard to lose him but i believe there is a better life for him than the one he has now. After that, we can get the other guys back in shape. (It's a good thing I'm not seeing anyone... He'd be doomed right about now!!). :)
That was extra long... Way longer than I intended. Thanks for reading it and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I think of you all often.
Much love,
A.
Heal me now... later... again...
Well, it goes without saying that it's been a long time since I've written. (Why say it then, you ask? Don't argue. Just read.)
I was thinking about L today and came here to read some of my old stories about him. He really was such an exceptional person. I really miss my dad.
He said funny things like "Just verifying" when other people might have said "Just checkin'". And he got a lot of joy out following the rules. He didn't always understand my humor but I didn't always understand his either. He felt really strongly about keeping your tire pressure up and getting to church on time. He was sort of a pack rat. He got so tickled by the squirrel from Ice Age and could talk about airplanes for hours. He liked high vocabulary but it would never strike you that he was putting on airs when he said it. The Weather Channel. He looooved The Weather Channel.
I'm still trying to make sense of his death. I sometimes feel like I don't cry about him enough but I know that inside, I'm never going to be the same now that he's gone. My dad was so unique and I see more and more how much I'm like him. It's easy for me to think of things to be grateful for when I look at the time that I spent with L just like it's easy for me to think about the things that I would change if I could have more time with him. And I'm okay with all that.
What I don't get is why. It's one of those larger than life questions that I'll never get an answer to but to be honest it's really wrecking my understanding of who God is and what He can/can't/will/won't do. And His (what I feel is...) rather twisted sense of justice.
My rational mind tells me that I can't understand it. I won't understand it. Grieve. Remember. But the piece of me that is connected to my dad... that doesn't have him on the other side, can't get down with that. It just doesn't compute. Why? Why him? Why now? Why cancer? Why debilitating pain? Why frustration? Why anger? Why coma? Why suffering? Why loneliness??
Understanding that I won't understand doesn't help when I think about the fact that L will never meet my husband. Won't walk me down the aisle. Will never hold my kids. That we'll never get Dairy Queen together again. Watch Ice Age together again. Walk around the neighborhood together again.
And that's it. There is nothing to be done. These thoughts are the path that I'm on and I have no idea where they are leading. Maybe I'm thinking of L because tomorrow I start a new job that I'm really excited about and know he'd be excited about it. Maybe it's the milestone-ness of it all. Knowing that this is just one of many that he won't be here for.
Maybe so. Maybe not. But it's like the drama ministry's current play says... "Heal me now... later... again... And this is for true christians who considered giving up when life was too much."
I was thinking about L today and came here to read some of my old stories about him. He really was such an exceptional person. I really miss my dad.
He said funny things like "Just verifying" when other people might have said "Just checkin'". And he got a lot of joy out following the rules. He didn't always understand my humor but I didn't always understand his either. He felt really strongly about keeping your tire pressure up and getting to church on time. He was sort of a pack rat. He got so tickled by the squirrel from Ice Age and could talk about airplanes for hours. He liked high vocabulary but it would never strike you that he was putting on airs when he said it. The Weather Channel. He looooved The Weather Channel.
I'm still trying to make sense of his death. I sometimes feel like I don't cry about him enough but I know that inside, I'm never going to be the same now that he's gone. My dad was so unique and I see more and more how much I'm like him. It's easy for me to think of things to be grateful for when I look at the time that I spent with L just like it's easy for me to think about the things that I would change if I could have more time with him. And I'm okay with all that.
What I don't get is why. It's one of those larger than life questions that I'll never get an answer to but to be honest it's really wrecking my understanding of who God is and what He can/can't/will/won't do. And His (what I feel is...) rather twisted sense of justice.
My rational mind tells me that I can't understand it. I won't understand it. Grieve. Remember. But the piece of me that is connected to my dad... that doesn't have him on the other side, can't get down with that. It just doesn't compute. Why? Why him? Why now? Why cancer? Why debilitating pain? Why frustration? Why anger? Why coma? Why suffering? Why loneliness??
Understanding that I won't understand doesn't help when I think about the fact that L will never meet my husband. Won't walk me down the aisle. Will never hold my kids. That we'll never get Dairy Queen together again. Watch Ice Age together again. Walk around the neighborhood together again.
And that's it. There is nothing to be done. These thoughts are the path that I'm on and I have no idea where they are leading. Maybe I'm thinking of L because tomorrow I start a new job that I'm really excited about and know he'd be excited about it. Maybe it's the milestone-ness of it all. Knowing that this is just one of many that he won't be here for.
Maybe so. Maybe not. But it's like the drama ministry's current play says... "Heal me now... later... again... And this is for true christians who considered giving up when life was too much."
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Glow
GLOW. . . The full set of the Knowlton4 were in Atlanta this weekend to celebrate A's 30th birthday. Everyone is well - L is doing great, driving, color back to normal, feeling stronger everyday. Saturday evening found us at a great restaurant near Horizon theater where A hosted family and friends from far and near. Will post pictures soon.
Best from the Knowlton4.
Best from the Knowlton4.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Easter, Spring and new life
Hello! Just another brief update from beautiful sunny Boston. L is doing well - enjoyed a visit last week with his sister, B. The two of them took a rode trip to the Carolinas - a sure sign that L is going well and on the road to recovery. He had an appointment with Dr. T and will return in three weeks. Three weeks! For the last 6 months or more L has had to be in a doctors office almost every week! Other news in Knowlton land - K turned 59 yesterday and A is turning the big 30 next weekend. Cousin B from Michigan is flying to the ATL to spend the week with L.
That's all the news that's fit to print - will update after the 30th birthday weekend - will be sure to have pictures as well!
Best,
M.
That's all the news that's fit to print - will update after the 30th birthday weekend - will be sure to have pictures as well!
Best,
M.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)