Heal me now... later... again...

Well, it goes without saying that it's been a long time since I've written. (Why say it then, you ask? Don't argue. Just read.)

I was thinking about L today and came here to read some of my old stories about him. He really was such an exceptional person. I really miss my dad.

He said funny things like "Just verifying" when other people might have said "Just checkin'". And he got a lot of joy out following the rules. He didn't always understand my humor but I didn't always understand his either. He felt really strongly about keeping your tire pressure up and getting to church on time. He was sort of a pack rat. He got so tickled by the squirrel from Ice Age and could talk about airplanes for hours. He liked high vocabulary but it would never strike you that he was putting on airs when he said it. The Weather Channel. He looooved The Weather Channel.

I'm still trying to make sense of his death. I sometimes feel like I don't cry about him enough but I know that inside, I'm never going to be the same now that he's gone. My dad was so unique and I see more and more how much I'm like him. It's easy for me to think of things to be grateful for when I look at the time that I spent with L just like it's easy for me to think about the things that I would change if I could have more time with him. And I'm okay with all that.

What I don't get is why. It's one of those larger than life questions that I'll never get an answer to but to be honest it's really wrecking my understanding of who God is and what He can/can't/will/won't do. And His (what I feel is...) rather twisted sense of justice.

My rational mind tells me that I can't understand it. I won't understand it. Grieve. Remember. But the piece of me that is connected to my dad... that doesn't have him on the other side, can't get down with that. It just doesn't compute. Why? Why him? Why now? Why cancer? Why debilitating pain? Why frustration? Why anger? Why coma? Why suffering? Why loneliness??

Understanding that I won't understand doesn't help when I think about the fact that L will never meet my husband. Won't walk me down the aisle. Will never hold my kids. That we'll never get Dairy Queen together again. Watch Ice Age together again. Walk around the neighborhood together again.

And that's it. There is nothing to be done. These thoughts are the path that I'm on and I have no idea where they are leading. Maybe I'm thinking of L because tomorrow I start a new job that I'm really excited about and know he'd be excited about it. Maybe it's the milestone-ness of it all. Knowing that this is just one of many that he won't be here for.

Maybe so. Maybe not. But it's like the drama ministry's current play says... "Heal me now... later... again...  And this is for true christians who considered giving up when life was too much."